I’m sorry that I walked away. I don’t know what sparked it. The light bickering. The emotional you which was understandable. The mindset that was taking over. The effort. The guilt in taking you away from your religion. The steroids I was on that cluttered my mind like a rainy day. Or was is some volatile concoction of everything just slowly burning me away. It might have been the challenge to see how hard you would fight for me. To be honest I really do not know. Am I happier? No. All I do is think about you. I have girls talking to me and I don’t even care that they exist. I cannot look at them in any other way than just friends. My mind is so caught up in you that I have learned to cry when I did not shed a single tear through my whole sickness. To be completely honest even if it looks like I have my crap together inside I am a horrible wreck. The fact that Ricky is trying to jump in so fast makes me not like him. I know he is a good guy but he obviously does not understand the wonderful woman that you have become. I got cold feet. I cracked under the pressure you were trying so hard not to impose on me. Every single thing I see, in every day, and every second screams you. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I want to lock myself into the confines of my room and curl up into a ball and just suffer until this feeling in my stomach is gone. I really am sorry that I walked away I did not want to I don’t want to. I have never ever felt anything this special. Im sorry if you see this and it messes with you. I know I am not supposed to text or talk to you Chantelle was very nice in talking to me about it and actually still holding conversation at the same time.
I realized something this weekend. And it is strong. And I wish that I could have seen it sooner. Even if we did have some issues and lots and lots of hurdles ahead of us I never really on my own had any doubt that we could not overcome them. And This weekend Even more importantly I realized that you completely make me a better person. And that ultimately is what I want in everyone in my life. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for making me a better person, Cleaning out my sailors mouth, trying as hard as you could to keep our relationship clean, always caring for me, writing me letters, watching movies with me, taming your anger for me, snuggling, always smiling, laughing at my horrible jokes, making things okay when I wasnt.
The thing about you is you have one of the biggest and purest hearts. It is true. You know this. You have so much to give. And you gave it all to me. And I feel horrible for shoving it all back to you :( dang it grown boy over here is crying again. my eyes hurt. But you truly do have on of the largest hearts and are so caring. I love you for that. I always will. No matter what. And nobody can ever take that from you.
The truth is I have never hugged someone as hard as I have held you. Ever. I didnt try to. I didnt think about it. It just happened. The level of closeness when we hugged was not enough. I needed to feel you breathing against me. I always had to be so close to you. And I have not felt that way about anyone before. And I miss that. I wish we didn’t have to be so different in morals and beliefs. I pray for you all the time. You give me hope.
Im sorry if I gave you the optimism and thoughts like I was the one. But the truth is that I have the same emotions towards you Sara. The potential to make it a lifetime was there. Yes we both had to work on things that is part of growing up and becoming an adult. But deep down I know what was between us was real. And it is killing me that I feel regretful for ever letting you go. I think that was why we both got so frustrated the last month. Because it wasnt going well. And neither of us wanted it to keep getting worse. and it did. and that voilent circle of frustrations and let downs and mindsets just got the both of us and really got to me.
We do work well together. I really wish we did not have such big problems.
I don’t rebound. At all. I was offered. And laughed at the idea. And realized how much I still care about you. But I am so afraid to even show my face because I hurt you so much and I never EVER EVER wanted to do that to you.
I cannot move on. Like you think. I send you those nice texts because I really do want you to do incredible. Have I moved on? excuse my language but no fucking way. Yeah I may be bulletproof but I am not heartless. Can I live? yes. Do I want to? no. I am restricted, I cannot move on when I fully fell in love with you and then bailed. But I cannot take that back. Not after all this crap I put you through. That would be so so rude of me.
Look, Im sorry (dang it im crying again) all of this hit the fan. That is the last thing I wanted. We didnt communicate the best in the last month and nobody is to blame. I really did not want that at all. I just wanted to stop being cutthroat.
I know this is probably everywhere but it is really kind of sorta ish making me feel a little semi kinda better. But worse at the same time because I miss you.
Just know. Dont ever be afraid to tell somebody what you believe in or what is bothering you. the best thing you can do is be honest. You are strong. and powerful. Dont be afraid to stand up in what you believe in:
Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Proverbs 16:8
Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.
Writing all of this really helped. If you read it all you are a trooper. I miss you. And I am sorry for everything. Truly am. I know I wasnt supposed to text you. So I wont. You will see this whenever you see it. I dont know If you follow me or look at my page. I understand why you wouldnt. But this helped me I guess. Just know I am not moving on and im not okay and that this hurts me a lot. and I really really REALLY wish it didnt have to be this way. I never ever wanted to hurt you. Im sorry. I am going to pray for you I hope you don’t mind.
Dear Lord,
You have blessed me on this earth with many special loved ones. They have given me strength, cared for me when I was down, listened to me when I needed advice, and loved me when I needed comfort. Thank you for giving me everything. I want to ask of you to please bless and watch over a very special loved one in my life. Please give her strength and comfort in her pains. Please lord let her feel your presence and help her be okay. She is strong in your name. I know I am not the greatest of your followers but this I ask of you to please care for a wounded heart. And bless my prayers unto her. I know you can hear me. Thank you for everything you have given me and to everyone on this earth. No gesture can repay what you have done for me. And thank you for introducing this person into my life to lead me back to where I belong. Give me strength and give me guidance. I will offer my word to you that if you give me the tools and opportunities to grow spiritually I will take them. I hope that she can see and know just how much you and I love and care for her soon. Thank you lord.
Amen
